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Victorian Shopping Reports
We strongly advise that the new Model 2 Belt of Life be worn
at it's lowest setting for the first few days, after which
one becomes accustomed to the occasional spark around one's
midriff, and the odd alarmed look on people's faces.
In tests, we found that settings of medium or higher caused
bath water to miraculously heat itself, and, when used in
combination with the new Electric Hairbrushes, spectacular
displays of indoor lightning bolts would ensue and entertain
the children for hours.
We would caution, however, not to stand too close to any
beloved household pets, as they tended to expire quite
abruptly at one's feet.
Stock up on Lard!
Lard! It brought the British Empire to where it is today.
Those Italian Johnnies have their olive oil, and look where
it got them! And those bally' Frenchies, went all soft once
they started cooking everything with butter and cream.
So be patriotic, and use lard in positively everything this
Holiday Season.
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